When you meet eyes across a crowded room, you might feel a surge of excitement. Who is that person, and how can I meet them? A big part of the surge you feel is attraction and lust.
This could be the start of a loving relationship or a one-night stand. Either way, you may initially experience a sense of exhilarating physical merging. If you stay together, however, you will likely notice that — like all individuals — you have your own perspectives on pleasure.
Yes, even soul mates can have mismatched libidos. You and your partner can vibe in an abundance of ways, but that does not guarantee compatibility in the bedroom.
What Can Create Mismatched Bedroom Expectations?
Take a good look around at the external influences on your life. It starts with “happily ever after” fairy tales and builds in all the “soul mate” talk. Combine that with the ever-increasing presence of internet pornography and dysfunctional lessons abound. That said, it should come as no surprise that two people can see anything differently.
Two people enter into a relationship as unique, distinct individuals. Neither is “flawed” for having preferences, e.g.:
Turn-Ons and Turn-Offs: Sex is experienced differently by everyone, and it’s not realistic to assume anyone feels as we do.
Communication: Before, during, and after sex, it’s crucial to communicate. To keep your emotions to yourself can create a climate ripe for shame and guilt.
Frequency and Duration: In terms of libido, there are basic preferences. For example, how often and for how long? Keep in mind that such preferences are very much subject to change.
Mismatched libidos are not a cause for immediate panic. But it does require our respect and attention.
Tips for Navigating Mismatched Bedroom Expectations
Communicate
Intimacy is a never-ending conversation. Even if you feel 100 percent in synch right now, that can fade without communication. In fact, you might be better matched than you realize, but you can’t see it without talking about it. Become fluent in the language of intimacy.
Set Boundaries
No one should feel compelled or coerced to do something they don’t want to do. Setting boundaries reinforces where you end, and your partner begins.
Say No to Porn and Yes to Reinvention
Profound intimacy looks and feels nothing like porn videos. Turn off the porn and tune into your feelings and sensations. Sex is much more than a few particular acts. Intimacy is a state of mind that exists 24/7. When you allow yourselves to discover intimacy in everything from cuddling to eye contact to love notes and beyond, you open the doors to deeper physical connections.
Curiosity, Compassion, and Compromise
When it comes to mismatched bedroom expectations, healthy compromise is your goal. To attain this resolution, it helps to remain curious and empathetic. Look forward to learning more about your partner’s views and needs. Don’t shame each other for differences.
Set a Schedule
This may seem counterintuitive, but life can get hectic. So, if you’re already struggling in the bedroom, the “too busy” excuse comes in handy. There’s no scorecard here. Make room and time for intimacy to happen, and don’t get caught up in quantity.
You Are Not Alone
Sex and intimacy can be tough topics to talk about. Avoiding such conversations, however, will only make things more uncomfortable. An ideal first step is to connect with an experienced couples therapist. They will act as unbiased guides to assist both partners in feeling heard and validated. In a therapy setting, it can be easier to share openly while seeking new viewpoints and approaches. Mismatched bedroom expectations can be addressed and managed. Reach out to us today for couples therapy.
Through Therapy Collective
Our team of culturally competent therapists is here to offer a warm and safe space to help you navigate life’s hardships with a sense of encouragement and empathy. Find out more >
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